Enter the Matrix Call Centre
While it is appropriate for some businesses to use call centres, outsourcing is by no means a silver bullet. In fact, not only can call centres fail to quell the bad customer service vampire that drains life out of its hapless victims, but in some cases, protocol turns its agents into mindless zombies. To demonstrate, here is what the Matrix might have looked like if the plot included a call centre:
Operator: Thank you for calling the Nebuchadnezzar. This is the operator speaking. How can I assist you today?
Neo: I need an exit!
Operator: I’d be more than happy to help you with that today. May I please have your 16 character account number.
Neo: My what?
Operator: If you don’t have your account number on hand, we can certainly look it up using your name.
Neo: It’s Neo!
Operator: Thank you. And your last name as used within the Matrix?
Operator: Thank you. And your account passcode in binary?
Neo: Passcode? Um… Wait! I know this!
Operator: Do not try to recall the passcode. That is impossible. Instead, only try to realise the truth
Neo: What truth?
Operator: There is no passcode.
Operator: So, how can I assist you today?
Neo: You already asked that!
Operator: Sir, if you are experiencing déjà vu, it may mean that something within the matrix has changed.
Neo: I don’t think that’s the case here. How are we coming with that exit?
Operator: I’m just waiting on the system to load your account. How is your day going so far?
Neo: Not bad, except for this operator who keeps asking these weird questions.
Operator: That’s great to hear. I see here that you are enjoying our Kung Fu download. Would you be interested in adding Jiujutsu?
Neo: No, I need an exit.
Operator: If you would like to add Jiujutsu in the future, that option is always available to you.
Neo: Thank you. Now, the exit?
Operator: I’m sorry, sir. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. We do apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. Please call back within one to two hours. Thank you for calling the Nebuchadnezzar. Have a great day!